resentment | Self-Help Books

This is the image of a gold, glitter heart on a black background

In last week’s blog, we talked about the need to forgive everyone, including people who have hurt us deeply. In this message, we discuss a simple forgiveness process that can be practiced all the time and has the infinite potential to heal everyone and everything, beginning with you. Since the process that is described at the end of the blog is exquisitely simple, the following points are intended to help you to open your mind and heart to the blessings of forgiveness:

Honor Your Feelings. Express your anger and resentment by beginning with a catharsis. Trying to forgive someone without first venting your feelings of pain is like trying to seal a potential volcanic eruption with a band-aid. There is usually a great deal of energy that needs to be released before the wound can heal. Some constructive ways you can do this are to: Give yourself permission to cry or even scream (best done in the car or somewhere where no one else can hear you!), talk with someone who is a compassionate listener, write your feelings down on paper, or engage in physical exercise. It is easy to stay stuck in this stage of expressing your feelings, so be sure to commit yourself to moving on to the next step of taking responsibility.

Take responsibility for the part that you have played in creating the situation. This is probably the most self-empowering step in the process of forgiveness. Since our thoughts create our reality, it is important that you remember that you have played a role in the creation of every experience you have ever had. By taking responsibility for your part, you are no longer a victim. If you created it, you can also change it!

Let go the need to judge who is “right” and who is “wrong.” Chances are that each person involved is absolutely certain he or she is right. This is why there is a conflict in the first place! Continuing to think this way only perpetuates more pain and suffering and resolves nothing.

Forgive yourself. You can only do for another that which you can do for yourself. This is truly an act of self-love. You are not forgiving yourself for being “wrong.” You are forgiving yourself for making choices that were not aligned with your personal values and self-respect. You are also forgiving yourself for continuing to punish yourself by constantly re-living painful memories.

See the Other Person’s Point of View – Remember that forgiveness is a two-way street. We need to also ask for forgiveness for our own transgressions against others. It is much easier to remember who has hurt us; yet many times the best way to move away from the self-perception of being an innocent victim is to realize that we have also hurt other people.

Be thankful for every experience. Every person you meet and every situation you have experienced is teaching you to be more whole. Our greatest lessons many times come through our most painful times. Choosing to be thankful for what you have learned from both the pleasant and unpleasant situations in life is the most effective way to move out of old pain behaviors. Gratitude is an emotion that sends out a frequency that attracts positive people and creates healthy situations.

Now, here is a shortcut that incorporates all of the above suggestions.

You can use this forgiveness process for every person and in every situation in your life. It is a derivation of an ancient Hawaiian healing process, H’oponopono, and is rooted in the intention of freeing one’s soul. You do not even need to be in the physical presence of someone whom you need to forgive. By merely focusing on the following thoughts, you are transmitting the energy of unconditional love.

A SIMPLE FORGIVENESS EXERCISE

1. I love myself and I forgive myself.

2. I take responsibility for the part that I have played in creating this situation.

3. Please forgive me for anything I have done to hurt you. (Imagine the person or people whom you need to forgive.)

4. Thank you for the lessons I have learned.

5. I love you! (This is not about human passionate love – it is the unconditional, neutral love of spirit that honors the soul of every living being. This is the part of the forgiveness exercise that has the magical power to heal everyone and everything in ways that transcend human understanding.)

Remember, it does not matter if you do not feel these statements when you begin this process. What you are doing is setting intentions, and intentions precede feelings. As you consistently continue to send out these thoughts, you will begin to feel what you are saying because you are working in harmony with universal love.

Forgiveness is a habit. Like all habits, the more you practice it, the easier it becomes. Be kind to yourself and stick with it. Because forgiveness is unconditional love, it has the infinite potential to transform everyone and everything.

YOU have the power to heal yourself and others by making the choice to forgive.

Love and Light

Sandra

Click this link to order the downloadable audio meditation, “Free Yourself Through Forgiveness,” narrated by Sandra Brossman.

This is an image of multi-ethnic hands all coming together as one

I have often shared with others my belief that forgiveness is the greatest gift we can ever give to ourselves. This many times surprises people, because it is a commonly held perception that forgiveness is something we do for others – almost like a favor that we are doing for someone. Sometimes we perceive our forgiveness as a reward we will give someone if they apologize first or change their behavior to accommodate our expectations.

It is extremely important that we understand the actual meaning of the word forgiveness. When trying to accurately interpret a word, it is many times helpful to go back to the original definition as it appears in the dictionary. According to Webster’s New World Dictionary, the actual definition of forgiving is allowing room for error or weakness; and the definition of forgive is to give up resentment. When we remember that we are all fallible and that the only thing we have to lose by forgiving anyone is the self-destructive resentment and judgment we are carrying, we begin to see more clearly that the person who benefits most from the process of forgiveness is self.

Let’s discuss just a few of the many reasons that help us to understand why forgiveness is essential for our OWN health and overall well-being:

Forgiveness is rooted in Self-Love – Self-love is the fundamental principle of all healing and the root of all compassion for self and others. When we hold on to anger and resentment with people from the past, we hurt ourselves by continuing to experience the emotions that are associated with these painful experiences. This takes a heavy toll on our mental, emotional, and physical health. It is also important to remember that life is a two-way street. Either knowingly or unknowingly, we too have hurt others through our unkind words and actions. We can only give to others that which we give to ourselves—so developing the attitude of being compassionate and kind to ourselves is a very healthy way to develop the habit of forgiveness.

Forgiveness creates harmony – It frees us from the need to be “right,” which automatically makes someone else “wrong.” This attitude breeds constant conflict with others and within ourselves. Every person who is in a disagreement thinks he or she is “right,” or there would be no discord in the first place. By letting go of our need to be right, we are not admitting we are “wrong.” We are simply being wise and compassionate enough to realize that we do not know what someone else is experiencing, what they are feeling, or why they have responded to a situation in a way that does not match our expectations. Simply stated, we are not the authority for how someone else thinks and acts, so it does not serve us well to criticize others. By judging others, we plant the seeds to remain entangled in an unproductive drama that intensifies the struggle, rather than focusing on the resolution.

Forgiveness creates inner peace – A peaceful mind is a quiet mind. Paradoxically, I think most of us would admit that we have cluttered minds. Forgiveness promotes mental clarity by cleansing our minds of unhealthy, resentful thoughts from the past. This creates the mental space for more expansive perceptions based on our spiritual values. Our society is extremely focused on physical fitness and cleansing diets for our bodies; yet we ignore our mental fitness and the critical need we have to houseclean our minds of the toxic thoughts that we constantly recycle in our minds based on our anger and resentment toward others.

Forgiveness frees us to be in present time – Blaming others keeps us stuck in the past and reinforces thought patterns that create the same dramas in the future. The only time in which we can create new realities is in the present. Since our thoughts create our personal reality, why not choose to forgive the past and adopt a new way of thinking? Why look backward? It’s not the direction you want to go.

Forgiveness shifts our self-perception – We can transform our perception of ourselves from being a victim of our circumstances, reacting to hurtful situations from the past, to one of being a student of life. Seeing ourselves as a student of life means choosing to interpret all the situations we have ever had and all the people whom we have ever met as lessons that help us to learn more about ourselves, others, and life in general. Since our perceptions determine how we experience everything in life, shifting from a self-image of being a victim to the more enlightened self-image of being a student of life empowers you to create new, more expansive realities that align with your desire to live the life YOU choose.

Forgiveness, like any form of thought, can be consciously chosen. While it can seem difficult at first, the more we practice forgiveness, the more natural it becomes. We begin to feel better about everyone—especially ourselves.

Do you have a challenging forgiveness situation that you would like to share? I welcome your comments and questions.

Love and Light,

Sandra

Tag Archives: resentment

PART TWO: A Simple Forgiveness Exercise

Sandra

Forgiveness – The Greatest Gift We Give To Ourselves