What is the Difference Between Conditional Love and Unconditional Love?

This is an image of a heart shaped cloud in the sky

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Love – This is a word that is very frequently used in every language to describe our emotions ranging from something as relatively trite, such as, “I love your shoes,” to something as deeply significant as a mother saying, “I love you” to a child in the most vulnerable moment.

 

 

Is there really a difference between conditional love and unconditional love? 

 

 

The answer is, yes.

 

 

What is conditional love?

 

 

Conditional love is a polarized emotion, meaning that it has an opposite emotion.  The opposite extreme of love is hatred.  Conditional love comes from ego and  generally focuses on someone (like a romantic partner, child, parent, friend)  or some thing (like a house, a car, or a job).  When we love someone conditionally, we tend to want them to look, act, and think in ways that fit our own paradigms and expectations.  We hold others accountable to our expectations in order to qualify for our affection.  If they act the way we want them to, we express our approval; if they act contrary to our wishes, we withhold our expression of acceptance of them, usually in some form of anger.  Conditional love polarizes our internal thought process to believe, “I am right, and you are wrong, so I think you should see things my way.”  As soon as begin to judge someone as being right or wrong, it is our cue that we are not in a space of unconditional love because we are perceiving that we are the authority for someone else’s life.  This ultimately results in a power play for everyone involved because it focuses on control, which typically elicits a defensive reaction from the people whom we are trying to change.

 

 

Another version of conditional love is passion, a term we use for the sexual feelings we have when we meet someone with whom we have “chemistry.”  The term “falling in love” is a revealing expression indicating that we sometimes lose ourselves when we are involved in a passionate romantic relationship based on conditional love. Possibly, this is because we are looking for another person to complete us rather than looking to share our whole self with another. “Looking for our other half” is a statement that strongly indicates we are seeking to make ourselves whole through someone else, rather than working on ourselves to become more of who we truly are.

 

 

When someone acts in a way that vastly deviates from our expectations or does something to hurt us or someone we care about, we can transform the emotion of conditional love to the complete opposite end of the spectrum – hatred.  Hatred is a very strong emotion that is rooted in fear.  Hatred is extremely destructive and wreaks havoc on our mental, emotional, and physical well being.

 

 

What is Unconditional Love?

 

 

Unconditional love is neutral and has no opposite polarity.  The source of unconditional love is Spirit; therefore it is available to everyone without discernment, and there is absolutely nothing we need to do to qualify for it.  Unconditional love comes through to us at a soul level, beginning at the level of self-acceptance and self-forgiveness, and radiates divine light to everyone and everything.  When we make a conscious decision to choose thoughts based on unconditional love, it does not mean that we agree with everyone and everything.  It means that we consciously commit ourselves to expressing respect, kindness, and cooperation to everyone and everything in our environment.

 

 

Unconditional love is not something that happens to us or outside of us.  It is the life force of energy within our very being and is ingrained in every cell of our bodies.  We don’t have to search for love–we ARE, each one of us, the physical embodiment of unconditional love.  Because unconditional love is life energy, it is formless, infinite, constantly in motion, and unconditionally available to us 24/7!

 

 

Unconditional love has a positive effect on our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual state of being, creating truth, joy, beauty, health, harmony, and everything in the world that is in our greatest good.  The benevolent, compassionate nature of universal love flows through us and blesses everyone and everything it touches.

 

 

When we open our hearts to receiving and expressing the love of the universe, we feel expansive and radiant.  We automatically rise above the limitations of fear because unconditional love is infinitely more powerful than fear; in fact, unconditional love is the most powerful force in existence.  There is no amount of darkness that can blot out light; yet the tiniest amount of light can overcome darkness. This means that no matter how dark and chaotic our lives may seem at times, we can find comfort in knowing that our earthly world is always held within an infinitely larger context of universal love and light.

 

 

Remembering that we are each created in the energy of divine love gives us great inspiration and renewed hope that we each have the power to bring our own unique expression of unconditional love to the world, which brings healing to everyone and everything we touch.

 

 

Love and Light,

 

Sandra

 

The Joy of Spring – A Time For Change and New Beginnings

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Spring is a glorious time of rebirth and renewal. The fact that all of nature is always in the process of transformation is most apparent in spring.

 

Everywhere we turn we see evidence of the cycle of new beginnings. The earth thaws and becomes soft again, giving way to the emergence of new growth. The latent force within seeds awakens, allowing buds and blossoms to slowly appear and then explode into new life. The rhythm of the seasons demonstrates to us that the life force of creation is constant change and growth.

 

So it is with our own energy in spring. The seasonal surge moves into and through us, creating the impetus to make a fresh start. It is a perfect time to renew ourselves and break out of our old “earth patterns” to reach higher levels of consciousness. So how do we do this?

 

We can only change ourselves

 

First, and most importantly, we need to remember that the only person we have the power to change is ourselves. In the words of Mahatma Gandhi, “We need to BE the change we want to see.” Change is something we tend to want everyone else to do. When we avoid taking responsibility for changing ourselves, we are placing virtually everyone else in charge of our lives, which is many times the very thing we fear the most.

 

“Spring” is not just a noun – it is also a verb. 

 

Second, I encourage you to embrace the full meaning of “spring.” It is not just a noun – it is also a verb, meaning to leap forward over obstacles. So what is our greatest obstacle in moving forward? As usual, it is fear, but fear of what? Generally our greatest fear is that of the unknown. Or to put it another way, most of us are afraid of change. This is, indeed, a real “catch 22” because change and growth are qualities that are inherent to the energy of life. Change is inevitable, but how we choose to experience it is a choice! We can accept it or we can resist it.

 

Since what we resist persists, one of the most effective ways I know to open up to change is to become conscious of what we are resisting.  Once we become aware of why we are resisting change, we have the power to transcend our perceptions of fear and open our minds to the natural flow of change.

 

Following are some of the rationalizations we use to resist change:

 

We want to feel safe: We need to ask ourselves, safe from what? Are we really safe when we cling to the familiar? It is our spiritual nature to be the expression of perpetual growth and expansion. If we accept change, we can move forward in harmony with the flow of life. If we resist it, we are bound to experience tremendous difficulties. Resisting change keeps us locked into mental, emotional, and physical patterns based on the past. The safest place to be is in present time, which frees us to create healthy, new perceptions.

 

We don’t have the courage or strength: Courage (root word cuer, meaning heart) does not mean the absence of fear. Indeed, we all have fears. Having courage means we have the heart to face our fears and to make changes for the better, even when we are afraid. Does it take strength to make changes? Of course it does, but it takes a lot more of our strength to withstand the turmoil of going against the natural current of change. If we think about the times our strength has felt most depleted, has it been when we used our energy to adjust to new challenges, or when we desperately tried to stay in the same space?

 

We want to be comfortable: If we are not moving forward, we eventually become stuck in the status quo. Is it comfortable to feel stuck? Even though we may feel a little insecure about moving out of familiar spaces, it is really quite healthy to experience the discomfort that comes from growth. Discomfort is caused by bumping up against the boundaries we have outgrown, indicating that this is time for our mind’s knowledge to catch up with our soul’s wisdom. When we feel the world around us is beginning to close in, we can’t resolve the situation by making ourselves smaller; however, we can choose to create more expansive perspectives.

 

We don’t want to experience confusion: Change does cause confusion, and what a blessing it is for us! Confusion scrambles the fixated thought patterns we have locked into so that we can rearrange them into a new system of ideas. If we think about it, the most wonderful events in our lives, such as moving to a new house, receiving a promotion, getting married, or having a baby, all create a temporary state of chaos. Eventually things quiet down, but as we look around, we see that we are in an entirely new space.

 

We want to avoid pain: In our attempt to avoid the pain of change, we many times hold on to the past. Ironically, the parts of the past to which we remain most attached are the very ones that typically elicit the most painful memories. For example, the parent who abandoned us, the spouse who was unfaithful, the employer who cheated us, and the friend who betrayed us. Holding on to these types of memories frequently breeds self-defeating feelings of guilt and unworthiness that fuel the illusion that we are imprisoned in a life with no choices. Most of the pain we experience in our lives does not come from moving forward. It comes from holding ourselves back.

 

If you resonate with any of the above rationalizations to avoid change, simply forgive yourself – it is time to move on!  The good news is that when we shed the light of awareness on the illusion of these self-limiting rationalizations, we free ourselves to accept change and to make new choices.  This allows you to greet life with fluidity and to see life as a process of growth. We all have the capacity to spring into action to embrace the joy of change.  Welcome new beginnings!

 

 

 

I welcome you to share any insights or experiences you would like to offer that would encourage others to embrace their process of change.

 

Love and Light,

 

Sandra

 

 

 

 

Self Love – The Basis for All Healing

This is an image of block letters that spell out LOVE YOURSELF

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You can only unconditionally love and accept others by first unconditionally loving and accepting yourself.

 

 

“You can only unconditionally love and accept others by first unconditionally loving and accepting yourself.” When I first heard this statement many years ago, I was sitting in my first holistic health class in which we were discussing the fundamental principles underlying spiritual healing. At that time, the words sounded strange to my logical mind, yet somehow resonated at a heart level. I was in my early twenties when I took this course and recall perceiving that I found it easy to love a lot of people, no matter how I felt about myself. I prided myself in thinking that I had spent a good part of my life helping others.

 

 

I had not thought that much about loving MYSELF.

 

 

Yet, this statement really opened my mind to the awareness that, up until that point, I had not thought that much about loving MYSELF. I was raised in a strong Germanic culture, and my parents had taught me to always put other people’s needs ahead of my own. Helping others was the first priority. Secondary to that was having a strong work ethic. “Fun” was something you had if there was any time after all your work was finished! I don’t recall any key figures in my childhood, or for that matter anyone up until that moment in class, ever mentioning the importance of loving and enjoying myself. In fact, in those days I was taught that it was downright selfish to put my personal needs and desires ahead of the physical and emotional needs of other people.

 

 

 I was a “good” person when I put other people first.

 

 

My parents meant well – they were simply passing the emotional hand-me-down given to them from their parents. While their intentions were kind and honest, what I did not realize until that point, was that I had subconsciously incorporated these messages into a belief system that was based on the foundation that I was a “good” person when I put other people’s needs ahead of my own. I was a “selfish” person when I focused on addressing my own mental, emotional, and physical needs.

 

 

 I thought I could fix other people.

 

 

As I committed myself to understanding the necessity of self love at a deeper level, the memories began to surface. I started to recognize that as I grew into a young adult, this belief system had mushroomed into my creating many painful memories and melodramas with the common theme of me playing the savior role. I was living under the illusion that I could fix situations for other people. Not surprisingly, I constantly attracted people who wanted me to “save” them or complete them. What I did not realize was that I was seeing a reflection of what I most needed to recognize within myself: I also wanted to be completed through others by wanting them to validate me for my savior role. This awareness opened the door to a crucial turn around in my life.

 

 

Self love is at the root of all spiritual healing.

 

 

Most people whom I have met in life have not been taught self love; they have learned it through the life experiences they have created.  Self love, after all, is at the root of all issues of spiritual healing. Through my own life experiences, I came to fully understand that what I heard in class that day really was true. We have to first love ourselves in order to unconditionally love another.

 

Love and Light,

 

Sandy