Remaining Centered During the Holidays

Beautiful women doing a yoga pose

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Now that Thanksgiving has just passed, most of us are feeling the accelerated pace of the world around us as we enter the official holiday season.  It is very easy to become overwhelmed with shopping, visiting family and friends, preparing large family meals, attending special holiday performances, and traveling.  This is the time of year where all the intense activity, in addition to the emotional highs and lows that accompany the holidays, can really take a toll on our health – mentally, emotionally, and physically.

 

In order to truly enjoy the holidays, it is essential to take time to regenerate yourself and to keep your energy balanced.  The following are some ways to remain centered in the midst of all the hustle and bustle:

 

1.  Stay in touch with your feelings – It is so easy to get carried away with all the outer stimulation that you can lose perspective on the signals you are getting from your mind and body.  Periodically check in with your feelings and honor your needs.  For example, if you feel tired, rest; if you feel overwhelmed, slow down the pace; if you feel sad, allow yourself to express your true feelings.

 

2.  Determine what matters most to you – Quite often, we are so busy reacting to the demands of the holidays that we lose sight of what we most want to experience.  Write down a list of the people whom you most want to see and the activities that you enjoy the most and make them a priority.  You may discover that there are quite a few activities that had already been scheduled that you actually prefer not to have on your list.

 

3. Have reasonable expectations – The main reason that people become discouraged and disappointed with the holidays is that they have unrealistic expectations that are not met.  Thinking that every member of your family is going to get along at the family reunion, that you are going to cook a perfect meal that pleases everyone, and that you are going to be on an emotional high throughout the holidays is bound to create disappointment.

 

4.  Focus on the simple pleasures – The most fulfilling experiences frequently do not cost a lot of money.  Taking a walk with a friend or relative, making cookies with children, playing games, reading by the fireside, and volunteering at a local charity are but a few of the experiences that nurture the heart with little or no demand on the pocketbook.

 

5.  Express gratitude – Being thankful opens your heart and creates the opportunities to being in the flow and to savoring the positive within everyone and everything that you are experiencing, however it unfolds.  Accept that every holiday is different and perfect in its own way.

 

6.  Breathe, breathe, breathe – We all have a tendency to “hold our breath” when we are busy and under stress.  Simply creating frequent times throughout the day to take some deep breaths is a great way to diffuse stress.

 

Most importantly, the true meaning of the holiday season is to remember our heart connection with others through the power of love.   By being kind to yourself and honoring your own needs, you create a balanced foundation from which to share your love with others in a peaceful way.

 

Love and Light,

 

Sandra

 

Free Yourself From the Worry Habit

This is an image of a person stretching their arms welcoming the day as the sun rises

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It seems everywhere we turn, people are worrying. Worrying is part of our human emotional makeup, and there are some conditions and situations where it can serve as a constructive emotion. Such as, motivating you to honor a commitment, meet a deadline, or avoid a dangerous situation.

 

 

Worry becomes extremely stressful and destructive when it gets to be a habit.  You can recognize that worrying is becoming a habit when you find yourself approaching most of the situations in your life from a fearful perspective. Chronic worrying can drain your energy, cause constant anxiety, paralyze your ability to make decisions, keep you up late at night, and can even make you sick.

 

 

Why do we worry? 

 

 

We worry because we are afraid, but afraid of what? Generally speaking our greatest fear is of the unknown. Usually, it isn’t the actual situations we experience that cause us to feel frightened nearly so much as our fearful anticipation of worse-case scenarios.

 

 

Interestingly, if you have adopted worrying as your usual approach to life, not only will you fearfully anticipate negative outcomes – you will also stress about potential positive outcomes. The things we worry about are only limited by our imagination: Fear of the lack of money, and fear of the responsibility that comes with financial success; fear of not being loved, and fear of the vulnerability of loving another; fear of losing a job and fear of staying stuck in a job, and the list goes on and on. You may even convince yourself that worrying is a good thing and that it helps you to solve problems and to prepare for the worst.  The problem with this theory is that whatever we focus on creates our reality; thus the saying, Worrying is praying for what you don’t want.  Recognizing this helps you to be aware that worrying is the problem, not the solution.

 

 

Worrying is a habit that can be healed. 

 

 

You can train your brain to manage stress in a more healthy way.  The following are some questions to ask yourself when you find your energy sinking into dreadful anticipation:

 

What am I thinking right now?  Awareness is the beginning of all healing. You are likely to be surprised at how many times you catch yourself focusing on negative outcomes.

 

What words am I using to communicate?  When you are listening to your own words, do you feel inspired by what you are saying, or do the words you are speaking make you want to crawl under the covers?

 

Am I in present time?  If you are a chronic worrier, you are spending most of your energy focusing on the future.  When you realize this, simply affirm, “I choose to be in present time.”

 

What am I worried about?  Sometimes actually making a list of things you are worried about helps to clear your mind so that you do not keep recycling different versions of the same issues.

 

You may even want to schedule a brief period of time every day to give attention to the things you have on your list of concerns.  Embrace your feelings, and give yourself permission to worry about anything you want during this period of time. The important thing is to give this worry period a specific time frame – the rest of the day is in the worry-free zone.

 

Is this a problem that I can solve?  You will most likely discover that many of the things you are worried about are not in your control because they are someone else’s lessons, and not something you can “fix.” On the other hand, if there IS something you can do,  be sure to get the problem out of your head and take action on your own ideas.

 

Can I change my perspective?  If you cannot actually solve the problem, you can always change your perception of the issue. In other words, if you have done all you know to do, it is very emotionally healthy to accept what you cannot change. Connecting with a higher spiritual power through prayer and meditation is the most powerful way to let go of our attachment as to how our ego wants something to be solved.

 

 

Asking yourself the above questions is a process that takes patience and practice.   Be gentle with yourself.  In time, you will most likely discover that this exercise will transform your worry habit into a much more loving and effective way to help yourself and others.

 

Love and Light,

 

Sandra

 

Forgiveness – The Greatest Gift We Give To Ourselves

This is an image of multi-ethnic hands all coming together as one

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I have often shared with others my belief that forgiveness is the greatest gift we can ever give to ourselves.  This many times surprises people, because it is a commonly held perception that forgiveness is something we do for others – almost like a favor that we are doing for someone. Sometimes we perceive our forgiveness as a reward we will give someone if they apologize first or change their behavior to accommodate our expectations. 

 

It is extremely important that we understand the actual meaning of the word forgiveness.  When trying to accurately interpret a word, it is many times helpful to go back to the original definition as it appears in the dictionary.  According to Webster’s New World Dictionary, the actual definition of forgiving is allowing room for error or weakness; and the definition of forgive is to give up resentment.  When we remember that we are all fallible and that the only thing we have to lose by forgiving anyone is the self-destructive resentment and judgment we are carrying, we begin to see more clearly that the person who benefits most from the process of forgiveness is self.

 

Let’s discuss just a few of the many reasons that help us to understand why forgiveness is essential for our OWN health and overall well-being: 

 

Forgiveness is rooted in Self-Love – Self-love is the fundamental principle of all healing and the root of all compassion for self and others. When we hold on to anger and resentment with people from the past, we hurt ourselves by continuing to experience the emotions that are associated with these painful experiences.  This takes a heavy toll on our mental, emotional,  and physical health. It is also important to remember that life is a two-way street.  Either knowingly or unknowingly, we too have hurt others through our unkind words and actions.  We can only give to others that which we give to ourselves—so developing the attitude of being compassionate and kind to ourselves is a very healthy way to develop the habit of forgiveness.

 

Forgiveness creates harmony – It frees us from the need to be “right,” which automatically makes someone else “wrong.”  This attitude breeds constant conflict with others and within ourselves.  Every person who is in a disagreement thinks he or she is “right,” or there would be no discord in the first place.  By letting go of our need to be right, we are not admitting we are “wrong.”  We are simply being wise and compassionate enough to realize that we do not know what someone else is experiencing, what they are feeling, or why they have responded to a situation in a way that does not match our expectations. Simply stated, we are not the authority for how someone else thinks and acts, so it does not serve us well to criticize others.  By judging others, we plant the seeds to remain entangled in an unproductive drama that intensifies the struggle, rather than focusing on the resolution. 

 

Forgiveness creates inner peace – A peaceful mind is a quiet mind.  Paradoxically, I think most of us would admit that we have cluttered minds.  Forgiveness promotes mental clarity by cleansing our minds of unhealthy, resentful thoughts from the past.  This creates the mental space for more expansive perceptions based on our spiritual values.  Our society is extremely focused on physical fitness and cleansing diets for our bodies; yet we ignore our mental fitness and the critical need we have to houseclean our minds of the toxic thoughts that we constantly recycle in our minds based on our anger and resentment toward others.

 

Forgiveness frees us to be in present time – Blaming others keeps us stuck in the past and reinforces thought patterns that create the same dramas in the future.  The only time in which we can create new realities is in the present.  Since our thoughts create our personal reality, why not choose to forgive the past and adopt a new way of thinking? Why look backward?  It’s not the direction you want to go.

 

Forgiveness shifts our self-perception – We can transform our perception of ourselves from being a victim of our circumstances, reacting to hurtful situations from the past, to one of being a student of life.  Seeing ourselves as a student of life means choosing to interpret all the situations we have ever had and all the people whom we have ever met as lessons that help us to learn more about ourselves, others, and life in general.  Since our perceptions determine how we experience everything in life, shifting from a self-image of being a victim to the more enlightened self-image of being a student of life empowers you to create new, more expansive realities that align with your desire to live the life YOU choose.   

 

Forgiveness, like any form of thought, can be consciously chosen.  While it can seem difficult at first, the more we practice forgiveness, the more natural it becomes.  We begin to feel better about everyone—especially ourselves.

 

Do you have a challenging forgiveness situation that you would like to share?  I welcome your comments and questions.

 

Love and Light,

Sandra

Is Anyone Listening to Me? How to Hold a Loving Space for Communication

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It seems that everywhere we turn, most people are

 

talking and very few are actually listening.

 

 

 

A few days ago a dear friend called me to say, “Hello.” Shortly into the conversation, I sensed a twinge of pain in the tone of her voice. When I asked her if everything was okay, she opened up and expressed that she was feeling a lot of frustration from speaking to her sister on the phone the previous day. My friend explained that she had called her sister to discuss an emotionally challenging situation. “My sister just talked over me and never heard a word I said,” lamented my friend. “What hurts most is that I just wanted to talk through my situation with someone who loves me and who could acknowledge my feelings.”

 

 

Does this sound familiar?

 

 

It is understandable that most people are not clear enough to listen because the majority of us are walking around with unexpressed feelings. Coping with the ordinary and extraordinary challenges of life can tap us out emotionally, mentally, and physically. Since it is not socially acceptable to cry at work, hit someone with whom we are angry, or to scream in public, many times we just bury our feelings. The problem with this is that repressing our feelings can create a reservoir of pain that can eventually fuel an emotional outburst at an inappropriate time and place that is not even relevant to the original situation. Or, even worse, we can continue to keep our feelings locked inside, which many times results in some form of dis-ease.

 

 

What most of us are really craving is simply to be heard! 

 

 

I have come to the conclusion that listening is an art, and like most artistic expression, it needs to be developed and practiced in order to become good at it. Creating a non-judgmental, open space of communication that allows one person to talk while the other just listens is spiritually referred to as “holding the space.” In the world of psychological counseling, it is referred to as “reflective listening.”

 

Listening without judgment is an act of self-love.

 

Holding a non-judgmental space to listen to another person’s expression of feelings is not an act of selflessness.  In fact, it is an act of self-love that helps to free you from being attached to other people’s issues.  It is an exercise in letting go of our own ego, rising above the drama, and extending the utmost respect for others by acknowledging that we each have the inner wisdom to provide the answers to our own questions.  Since what we project is what we attract, chances are that when you practice being a good listener, someone will be there to hear you in your time of need.

 

 

The following are guidelines to assist you in holding the

 

space for another by being a good listener. 

 

 

1. Make an agreement between yourself and the speaker. Only one person talks at a time while the other simply listens. Give your complete, undivided attention to the person who is talking. If this is an in-person discussion, it is ideal to maintain eye contact.

 

 

2. Be fair to yourself. Agree that there will be no personal attacks – you are there to listen to feelings, not to be verbally abused.

 

 

3. Tap into an inner sense of stillness that enables you to be an observer of the conversation, rather than a participant in the drama.

 

 

4. Neutralize the space by choosing not to interpret anything that is being said as a personal attack. This is easy to do when you remember the truth that what people project onto others is a reflection of how they feel about themselves – not you.

 

 

5. Let go of all judgement. There is no need for you to “fix” anything. The person who is expressing their feelings is usually not seeking any answers from you. In fact, many times the person who is talking becomes aware of their own resolutions after they have had an opportunity to clear their emotions through expression.

 

 

6. When you have allowed a period of listening time that is fair for both you and the other person, bring the conversation to a gentle close by summarizing aloud your perceptions of the feelings that have been expressed to you. For example, you could say something like, “So I am hearing you say that you feel sad, frustrated, angry, etc.” This reinforces that we have, indeed, been listening.

 

 

7. Remain unattached to how things unfold. We all have our own lessons to learn in our own unique ways.

 

 

 

Holding space for another is a profound way to bring more love to the world because we are listening with our hearts. If we each had someone to listen to our feelings in an open space of no judgement, we would more easily experience personal peace. And if more of us were feeling peaceful, what a bright world this would be!

 

 

Do you have any suggestions or experiences you would like to share regarding holding space? We would love to hear from you!

 

 

Love and Light,

 

 

Sandra

The Precious Downtime of Winter

This is an image of two skiers in lounge chairs looking out at a sunny mountain range

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Winter is a Gift

 

 

This is the time of year when many of us go into the doldrums – it’s cold, the days are shorter and there is too much darkness.  We are longing to see our friend, the sun!  We are so accustomed to being over stimulated, that it may be difficult to identify this as being the perfect time to change our perspective and to see the winter as a gift. Awareness is the first step! Below are seven insights that may change your perspective to see the wintertime as a blessing:

 

1. Go Within

 

Just as we have a tendency to stay indoors in the winter, it is a perfect time to go within ourselves to clear our minds and nurture our souls. This can be done through meditation, by reading a good book, or watching a favorite movie. The important point is that we get quiet time to relax. Really what you are doing is planting seeds for the longer and brighter days of tomorrow.

 

2. Give Yourself Permission to Slow Down

 

This time of year offers us the space and time to slow down. We often find ourselves craving a comfortable couch and a roaring fire. It makes us feel warm, happy, and sleepy. Also, there is nothing like staying in bed a little longer, snuggled up under the covers, enjoying the warmth.

 

3. Appreciate the Silence 

 

The winter offers clarity in silence. It is truly amazing to step outside after it snows and notice how crisp the air is and how quiet your surroundings are. It is a blanket that softens everything around you and creates a pause that allows you to appreciate the true beauty of silence.

 

4. Spark Your Creativity 

 

The void of darkness sometimes gives us the room we need to allow our creative mind to come alive. It is like having a blank canvas with infinite possibilities. Have fun! This is the time to start an arts and crafts project, enroll in a woodworking class, or simply cook a meal that is out of the ordinary.

 

5. Savor the Simple Things

 

This quiet time offers you the opportunity to notice the small wonders of life such as hot soup, the texture of sheets, the warmth of a good fire, or how much fun it is to make a snow angel – even if you are an adult!

 

6. Catch up with Friends 

 

This is a wonderful time to get together for coffee, tea, or lunch. Precious time with those who truly know us brings joy to life.

 

7.  Embrace the Cold

 

Enjoy a brisk walk in the cold. It will heighten your awareness and make you feel alive. You will be amazed at how invigorated you feel.

 

Enjoy what is around you right now! You don’t need to “get away” literally. Most of us need to “get away” from our daily lives and our frenetic pace. You can do this anywhere, including right where you are.

 

Love and Light,

 

Sandy

 

 

No Time for Yourself? You May Be Living From The Outside-In

We live in a busy world filled with enormous demands for our time and energy.  Whether it be keeping up with a job, juggling the responsibilities of parenting, learning new technology, or simply plugging through our own to-do lists, most people are feeling there are just not enough hours in the day for the necessities. Time for pleasure? Fat chance. Simply stated: Most of us are on overload.

 

There is a simple explanation, yet understanding what it means takes a bit more reflection.  It means we mold our lives to fit within the context of expectations of our outer physical world.  We are reactive to circumstances instead of creating our own realities. In other words, we live from the Outside-In.

 

This is an image of a woman trapped inside a box.

© Gemenacom

 

Some of the signs that you may be playing this out in your own life:

 

  • You spend most of your energy reacting to the demands of others
  • You define yourself by what other people think of you and your possessions
  • You neglect your own needs in order to take care of everyone else’s
  • You make decisions that are not in accord with your own inner values because you worry how others will react
  • You ignore your need to create the time and space to regenerate yourself

Changing the basis of your life from the model of Living From the Outside-In to the healthier foundation of Living From the Inside-Out may be easier than you think.  First and foremost, it requires a major change of perception. When you change how you perceive life, everything around you changes because your external reality is a projection of your own thoughts.

 

How can you transition to living from the Inside-Out?  Begin to prioritize self-respect and spiritual values, rather than recognition, power, and approval from the physical world.  When you begin to live from the Inside-Out, you’ll start to notice:

 

  • You spend your energy to create what you want
  • You recognize yourself as a spiritual being living in a physical world
  • You honor your own needs, which then empowers you to help others
  • You make decisions that are based on your inner values, with less emphasis on how they are received
  • You make self-nurturing and regeneration a priority

Why wait? Follow these four suggestions to begin living from the Inside-Out:

 

1)  Get up about 15 minutes earlier than usual and start your day quietly in ways that make you feel internally motivated, such as meditation, inspirational readings, or just breathing deeply and staring into space.  This is your “me” time. If you’re not a morning person, this can be done before bed.

 

2)  Start listening to your Intuition – When you get those flashes of imagination and gut level feelings, don’t analyze them – just allow them.  These are message from your soul to your mind.

 

3)  Spend time in nature, engaging as many of your senses as possible. This can often help you to achieve inner silence by showing appreciation for the beauty around you.

 

4)  Write down a vision of the things you would love to see in your life.  Do not judge whether it is feasible or possible.  Just allow yourself to dream and imagine.

 

While doing these exercises will not change your life overnight, practicing any one or all of of them will begin to shift your focus. In moving from reaction to action, you may rise above a world filled with stress to finally create the inner space of peace that you truly deserve.

 

Love and Light,

 

Sandra

 

 

Same Ol’ Stress, A Whole New Attitude

It seems everywhere we turn, we encounter people who are overwhelmed and overworked who are, in turn, curt, over-reactive, or flat-out rude.

 

Believe it or not, we have a choice about how we respond to these situations.

 

This is a stress button and a relax button.

Shutterstock, © Stuart Miles

For example, I recently went to a doctor’s office and experienced three consecutive opportunities to transform energy within a period of 45 minutes.

 

  1. Receptionist: She greeted me with hostility, saying that she just had a screaming match with the patient before me. Rather than react, I chose to ask for her first name and said that I could understand how difficult that must have been for her. She smiled and told me how much she appreciated my punctuality and having my paperwork completed.
  2. Patient coordinator: When I told her why I was there, she confronted me by saying, “That’s not what you said when you called for the appointment!” I asked her how long she worked there and she replied in a harsh tone of voice that she had been there for ten years. My response? “With all that experience, you are probably right.”
  3. Physician’s assistant: She yawned, groaned, then proceeded to fall asleep on top of my paperwork. I told her, “This must be boring. You see this all day.” She perked up and said, “I apologize; it’s not you. I have a sick three-month-old baby and I was up all night.” In the couple minutes that it took me to empathize with her, she became awake, engaging and friendly.

 

We all have opportunities every day, with every person we meet to take a deep breath and choose to respond to them in a compassionate way.

 

The choice is yours: To react or to transform.

 

How have you managed to transform energy in your daily interactions?

 

Love and Light,

Sandra