hurt | Self-Help Books

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Sometimes the words and actions of people who have hurt you may feel so vicious that the thought of forgiving them seems like an impossible human feat. No matter how hard you try, you may feel that you cannot reconcile your feelings about them, nor understand how anyone could act in such unkind ways. It is only human to feel angered and upset when we are on the receiving end of someone’s cruel words and actions. What is self-destructive is not that we have these feelings – it is that we hold onto them. Most of us tend to hold the illusion that forgiveness is something that we are being asked to give to an undeserving person, so one of the best ways to prepare yourself to be a forgiving person is to see forgiveness in a more truthful light.

Forgiveness always begins with self.

Believe it or not, the person you most need to forgive for any situation in which you have been hurt is yourself – not because you are “wrong,” but because you have made choices which have not been aligned with your soul’s need for inner truth and self-respect. By forgiving yourself, it becomes easier to forgive others and to move out of the victimhood perception. It’s all part of our spiritual growth.

Forgiving someone does not mean you are endorsing

anyone’s harmful behavior.

You may find it very liberating to realize that you do not need to feel warmly toward people who have hurt you, nor do you need to understand their actions, in order to forgive. You may even make a healthy decision that it is not in your best interest to be in the physical presence of people who have hurt you deeply.

The way people act is a reflection of how they feel about themselves,

NOT YOU!

When someone behaves in a harmful, manipulative way, it is very important to understand that they are projecting from THEIR reservoir of fears. The way they are treating you is exactly the way they feel about themselves. This is why self-love is so essential in that it forms the foundation for how we treat everyone around us. When we focus on someone else’s negative behavior by responding the same way, we compound the problem by reinforcing their fears and our own. We then step into the darkness of the other person’s world of fear, rather than bringing illumination to the situation. Instead of inviting the other person to our space of peace, we hurt ourselves by stepping into their chaos.

We learn and grow from our relationships.

No matter how angry we may feel toward someone, there are no accidents; there is a reason for every single interaction we have with anyone, whether pleasant or not. They are teaching us, and we are teaching them. We can perceive even our most painful experiences as growth opportunities by asking ourselves, “What am I experiencing through this person that I need to learn?” The things that irritate us about someone else are a reflection of something we need to see within ourselves in order to mature in our spirituality. We may realize that this person is reminding us our need to develop more self-esteem or exposing our own need to be more patient and forgiving. It could also be that we recognize that what this person is doing that is causing us pain is the same thing we have to someone else in the past. The important thing is that when we view our relationship issues in this way, we are learning from, rather than judging the other person.

When you withhold forgiveness, you are likely to repeat

negative relationship patterns.

When you withhold forgiveness and choose to ignore the messages that are coming to you in the form of relationships, the universe will continue to present you with people and circumstances based on the same theme until you become aware of what you need to know. It is as though you are in a play and the same actor exits and comes back on stage again wearing a new outfit. Once you accept the lessons you are learning through your relationships, you are likely to free yourself from living through the same painful emotional patterns over and over again.

When you forgive someone,
you no longer allow them to control your life.

If you are holding back on forgiving someone, chances are you are making them the center of your attention. This means that you continue to re-experience the self-damaging emotions of pain, anger, and resentment every time you think of that person, which is probably most of the time. Why give anyone that kind of power over your life? Take back your power to live your life with all the potential that exists in present time.

Forgiveness is a form of neutral, unconditional love.

Forgiveness is not a warm, fuzzy emotion. It is a neutral, compassionate emotion that acknowledges that we are all connected as one human family. When you choose to forgive someone, you are acknowledging that every single person on earth, no matter who they are or how they conduct themselves, is part of humanity and, therefore, a part of who you are. In other words, you stop focusing on the objectionable physical actions of others by looking at a soul level, beneath their negative behavior.

The bottom line is that forgiveness is something we do for OURSELVES! It is the most effective way we can free ourselves from self-defeating old patterns from the past and step into the infinite potential that we can only discover in present time. When we do this, we are blessing ourselves and everyone in our lives by placing a greater priority on love and inner peace than on revenge and self-righteousness.

In next week’s blog, Part 2, we will discuss a simple exercise that will empower you to make forgiveness a part of your daily life.

Love and Light

Sandra

Click this link to order the downloadable audio meditation, “Free Yourself Through Forgiveness,” narrated by Sandra Brossman.

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I have often shared with others my belief that forgiveness is the greatest gift we can ever give to ourselves. This many times surprises people, because it is a commonly held perception that forgiveness is something we do for others – almost like a favor that we are doing for someone. Sometimes we perceive our forgiveness as a reward we will give someone if they apologize first or change their behavior to accommodate our expectations.

It is extremely important that we understand the actual meaning of the word forgiveness. When trying to accurately interpret a word, it is many times helpful to go back to the original definition as it appears in the dictionary. According to Webster’s New World Dictionary, the actual definition of forgiving is allowing room for error or weakness; and the definition of forgive is to give up resentment. When we remember that we are all fallible and that the only thing we have to lose by forgiving anyone is the self-destructive resentment and judgment we are carrying, we begin to see more clearly that the person who benefits most from the process of forgiveness is self.

Let’s discuss just a few of the many reasons that help us to understand why forgiveness is essential for our OWN health and overall well-being:

Forgiveness is rooted in Self-Love – Self-love is the fundamental principle of all healing and the root of all compassion for self and others. When we hold on to anger and resentment with people from the past, we hurt ourselves by continuing to experience the emotions that are associated with these painful experiences. This takes a heavy toll on our mental, emotional, and physical health. It is also important to remember that life is a two-way street. Either knowingly or unknowingly, we too have hurt others through our unkind words and actions. We can only give to others that which we give to ourselves—so developing the attitude of being compassionate and kind to ourselves is a very healthy way to develop the habit of forgiveness.

Forgiveness creates harmony – It frees us from the need to be “right,” which automatically makes someone else “wrong.” This attitude breeds constant conflict with others and within ourselves. Every person who is in a disagreement thinks he or she is “right,” or there would be no discord in the first place. By letting go of our need to be right, we are not admitting we are “wrong.” We are simply being wise and compassionate enough to realize that we do not know what someone else is experiencing, what they are feeling, or why they have responded to a situation in a way that does not match our expectations. Simply stated, we are not the authority for how someone else thinks and acts, so it does not serve us well to criticize others. By judging others, we plant the seeds to remain entangled in an unproductive drama that intensifies the struggle, rather than focusing on the resolution.

Forgiveness creates inner peace – A peaceful mind is a quiet mind. Paradoxically, I think most of us would admit that we have cluttered minds. Forgiveness promotes mental clarity by cleansing our minds of unhealthy, resentful thoughts from the past. This creates the mental space for more expansive perceptions based on our spiritual values. Our society is extremely focused on physical fitness and cleansing diets for our bodies; yet we ignore our mental fitness and the critical need we have to houseclean our minds of the toxic thoughts that we constantly recycle in our minds based on our anger and resentment toward others.

Forgiveness frees us to be in present time – Blaming others keeps us stuck in the past and reinforces thought patterns that create the same dramas in the future. The only time in which we can create new realities is in the present. Since our thoughts create our personal reality, why not choose to forgive the past and adopt a new way of thinking? Why look backward? It’s not the direction you want to go.

Forgiveness shifts our self-perception – We can transform our perception of ourselves from being a victim of our circumstances, reacting to hurtful situations from the past, to one of being a student of life. Seeing ourselves as a student of life means choosing to interpret all the situations we have ever had and all the people whom we have ever met as lessons that help us to learn more about ourselves, others, and life in general. Since our perceptions determine how we experience everything in life, shifting from a self-image of being a victim to the more enlightened self-image of being a student of life empowers you to create new, more expansive realities that align with your desire to live the life YOU choose.

Forgiveness, like any form of thought, can be consciously chosen. While it can seem difficult at first, the more we practice forgiveness, the more natural it becomes. We begin to feel better about everyone—especially ourselves.

Do you have a challenging forgiveness situation that you would like to share? I welcome your comments and questions.

Love and Light,

Sandra

Tag Archives: hurt

How Can We Forgive People Who Have Hurt Us Deeply? PART ONE

Sandra

Forgiveness – The Greatest Gift We Give To Ourselves